i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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