I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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