It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
