sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just google imaged poop.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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