I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
