I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
