Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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