i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
