I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
