i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
