Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
