Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
