Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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