I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
