Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
