He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
