Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
