This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
