I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
