I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
