So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
