i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just forgot I was standing up.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
