just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
