Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
