I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
