my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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