i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
