It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
