Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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