I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
