oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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