I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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