im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
