god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
