Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
