Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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