Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
