I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
