I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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