Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
