I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
