Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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