Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
