I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
