No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
