I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
