This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
