I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
