you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
