My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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