The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
